Text-based Adventure

[UltimateAgent]

You advance towards the guards. They stop, and adopt several firing positions, apparently according to preference. Two guards take a crouching position, four stand with their iron sights up, one has his rifle at his hip, and one goes as far as going prone. You decide to start a conversation.

"Hey guys! Whatcha doin'?
"FIRE!"

They fill you with exactly 57 M-16 rounds, and one guard decides to take a step further to add 7 9mm rounds to that from his sidearm. He then pulls a .357 from seemingly nowhere to unload three rounds into your head, which by the third round there isn't much of left.

Your lead-ridden body slouches to the ground. Blood goes pools around your body. The guard who seems to enjoy overkill throws a incendiary grenade, which catches the hospital on fire. The hospital burns uncontrollably for twenty minutes before the fire department arrives, by which that time thirty four people have died.

The overkilling guard survives.

You wake up from your particularly violent nightmare. You look around. There is no nurse, no guy in the bed beside you, and no sign warning of psychotic behavior, which there probably should be considering the kind of dreams you have.

In the bed beside you is the fish you saw shoot the president, which doesn't seem like where he should be. It seems like he should be somewhere doing a spy hunter minigame, whatever that means. He is unconscious.

A)Turn on the TV to watch The Ultimate Adventures of Super Minmay
B)Strike a conversation with your IV machine
C)Press the call button to call a nurse into the room
D)Get up and try to strangle the fish

[minmay]

You roll out of bed. You're connected to several machines and IV drips and such, many of which fall over as you make your way towards the fish. You pull all the wires out of your body. A doctor approaches you and walks forwards as you move towards the fish.

"Sir, you have to stop! Sir, you're very ill! Sir, step away from that fish!" He looks over at a nurse and shouts "Code 249, get me a .357."

The doctor approaches and unloads three rounds into your head. You wake up.

This whole dream thing is starting to get incredibly confusing...hey, you're not in a hospital bed this time! You're in your regular bed! Could this mean that this unsettling, confusing, violent string of nightmares is finally over?
You spring up from the bed, as you feel strangely repulsed by it...oh, dear, it appears you wet the bed again.
This is incredibly embarrassing! Not only should you have gone before you went to bed, you're 26 years old, and this is the third time this week!
You realize you probably have some horrible bladder condition and sob loudly. You realize it took you 26 years to realize that and sob louder. You realize that you have never had a job or a girlfriend and sob louder. You realize that you are utterly pathetic in every way and sob so loudly that all the windows shatter.

A man opens the door to your bedroom and pulls out a .357. He unloads three rounds into your head. You wake up.

You sigh. What's the use of getting up this time? Will you ever wake up from this horrible nightmare?

After several hours of lying in the bed, you realize that it is not a dream at all and that you are incredibly hungry and really have to pee.

A) Get out of bed and get some food.
B) Get out of bed and pee.
C) Get out of bed and pee, then get some food.
D) Get out of bed and look for dolphins.

[video game]

You decide to begin your search for dolphins by watching the news. You turn on the tv, but it's The Super Mario Bros. Super Show with guest Ed Eugene Wilkinson.

A) Throw down remote in disgust
B) Look for subtle dolphin references
C) Watch The Adventures of Sonic instead
D) Turn off tv

[UltimateAgent]

You turn off your TV, realizing you like Luigi better than Mario, and it has always disgusted you that Luigi doesn't get a role bigger than Mario. Maybe one day Nintendo will wise up and give Luigi a game all to himself. But alas...that probably won't ever happen. But then again...you wonder why they're still showing this ridiculous show. If they feel like Mario is popular enough to have his own TV series, he'd probably just steal any glory away from Luigi. Probably make some game where Mario has to trap ghosts in a mop or something...Now if it was Luigi and something...say like a vacuum, that would be awesome.

You stand up and walk outside. Weird. You don't remember that big Citadel looking thingy. Or the guys in gas masks running around. Or the flying robots taking your picture. What...the...hell?

The gas mask guys see you and fire some sort of orb at you. Thinking the most it will do is trap you in a bubble, you stand still. The orb hits you and you vaporize into nothing.

You wake up in your hospital bed...again. There is no nurse, no fish, no guy, no TV, no call button (what kind of hospital is this?) and no wires plugged into you. Or tubes. Or anything that could fall over. A card sits on the table next to you.

"Congratulations! You have been released from the hospital. You may leave whenever you want. Just remember not to stress that shoulder otherwise you bullet wound will start bleeding again."

A)Leave the Hospital
B)Go to the hospital gift shop to buy a teddy bear
C)Push your fingers into your wound.
D)BANG YOUR HEAD
E)Find the nearest public access computer and look up the latest XKCD comic
F)Buy a dachshund
G)Buy a potato and name it minmay
H)Buy some spray paint and paint Awesome Face on the side of the hospital
I)Buy some spray paint and paint the Batman insignia on the side of the hospital
J)Buy some spray paint and paint a green slime blob thing on the side of City Hall
K)Count to a billion
L)Rob a bank
M)Join a break dancing competition
N)Join a gaming competition
O)Find an arcade so you can play Super Minmay: The Arcade Game
P)Buy a cat
Q)Wonder why people take so much time coming up with stuff for forum based games
R)Kiss a random pretty lady on the street
S)Sing the Alphabet Song
T)Smell your breath
U)Eat a brick
V)Come up with a funny joke
W)Decide to yell at random people saying The Generic RPG should be updated, despite not knowing what that is
X)Join the Police Academy
Y)Join the Clown Academy
Z)Pull a M1 Garand from seemingly nowhere and go on a killing spree, complete with imaginary quake sound effects
AA)Check out the latest art on deviantART
AB)Shut up minmay
AC)Chubigans for President 2012
AD)More than a Feeling
AE)Livin' on a Prayer
AF)Beat It
AG)Gangsta's Paradise
AH)Lovin' Every Minute of It
AI)Freebird

[video game]

You attempt to rob a bank. The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is playing in the main room. You unload three rounds into your head.

You wake up in a hospital bed. A nurse walks in and tells you that you are free to leave.


A)Leave the Hospital
B)Go to the hospital gift shop to buy a teddy bear
C)Push your fingers into your wound.
D)BANG YOUR HEAD
E)Find the nearest public access computer and look up the latest XKCD comic
F)Buy a dachshund
G)Buy a potato and name it minmay
H)Buy some spray paint and paint Awesome Face on the side of the hospital
I)Buy some spray paint and paint the Batman insignia on the side of the hospital
J)Buy some spray paint and paint a green slime blob thing on the side of City Hall
K)Count to a billion
M)Join a break dancing competition
N)Join a gaming competition
O)Find an arcade so you can play Super Minmay: The Arcade Game
P)Buy a cat
Q)Wonder why people take so much time coming up with stuff for forum based games
R)Kiss a random pretty lady on the street
S)Sing the Alphabet Song
T)Smell your breath
U)Eat a brick
V)Come up with a funny joke
W)Decide to yell at random people saying The Generic RPG should be updated, despite not knowing what that is
X)Join the Police Academy
Y)Join the Clown Academy
Z)Pull a M1 Garand from seemingly nowhere and go on a killing spree, complete with imaginary quake sound effects
AA)Check out the latest art on deviantART
AB)Shut up minmay
AC)Chubigans for President 2012
AD)More than a Feeling
AE)Livin' on a Prayer
AF)Beat It
AG)Gangsta's Paradise
AH)Lovin' Every Minute of It
AI)Freebird

[minmay]

You remove the bandage and shove your finger into the bullet wound. It causes your head to explode.

You wake up in a regular bed.

A) Stop waking up
B) Seriously, stop waking up

[angus]

Seriously, you stop waking up.

A)Ask yourself "What now?"
B)Don't ask yourself "What now?" and either:
Ba. Get a coffee
or
Bb. Sit down and think upon the strange, semi-religious experience you just had.

[UltimateAgent]

You decide to head over to the nearest MoonDeer to get your favorite type of coffee, Quadruple Chocolate Fudge with Vanilla. After unloading twenty dollars for one, you head outside and sit at a table. You start to think about your semi-religious experience, but it starts to make your head hurt, so you stop. You can't remember what parts actually happened.

A)Ask around for the latest news
B)Order a second 4xChoco
C)Order a Omega Coffee
D)Go play Duke Nukem Forever 2
E)Something Else

[angus]

You order a second 4xChoco. The $20 goodness clears your head a bit. You remain sitting.

A)Ponder the meaning of life in relation to 4xChocos.
B)Pull out an imaginary 50cal and go on an imaginary rampage.
C)Build a fort out of the tables and go into imagination world.
D)Wait and see if anything else is going to happen.

[UltimateAgent]

While enjoying your overpriced coffee, you wait for something else to happen. Nothing does. Bummer.

A)Make up your own answers

[joe_042293]

You stand from your table and walk towards the door.

"Hey, wait! Sir! You haven't paid for your coffee!" shouts a waiter. He is about twenty-two years old, give or take six minutes.

"You know what they say... crime doesn't pay," you reply.

"I don't really see what--" but before he can finish, you've winded him with an uppercut to the ribs. The man drops to his knees and clutches his stomach. He begins to writhe on the ground.

"Why the hell did you do that?!" shouts a man in the queue. He is in his late fifties, and wears an expression of confusion and anger.

"More importantly..." you begin, walking towards the man. He looks worried and vaguely adopts a defensive stance. "...why didn't you?"

"Why would--" but it's too late, you've extended your fist into his jaw and knocked him to the ground, where he remains quite still. The manager of the establishment emerges from a side door.

"What's all this commotion?" he asks. He sees the two floored men. "What on Earth...?"

"This isn't Earth, sir. This is hell itself," you explain, ominously yet erroneously.

"Hell itse--?" but you cut him off, slamming a "Please wait here" sign into the back of his knee. He drops to one leg, then you swing the sign back and hit the man square in the face, causing him to drop onto his back. You drop the blood-splattered sign.

"Anyone else?" you ask. You haven't quite used a verb in that sentence, because no word would adequately describe what you are doing and why you are doing it.

A policeman bursts through the door of the café. "Freeze!" he shouts, raising a service revolver.

"When hell freezes over!" you shout.

"I said--" but the cop is on the ground, bleeding from every orifice, breathing from six.

You take his gun and holster it. In your sock. You exit the coffee shop and climb into the policeman's cruiser. The keys are in the ignition, so you turn them. The car sputters to life.

A) Drive home
B) Drive to hospital
C) Use the computer
D) Go pull someone over

[minmay]

You decide to drive to the hospital for some reason. Unfortunately, as soon as you get out of the parking lot, an enormous mack truck loses control and begins spinning around and crashes into the car. You are flung against the passenger-side door, dazed but miraculously unhurt - until, that is, you crash into another car and are flung against the driver-side door. You hear a loud snapping noise and feel an extreme pain and loss of control in your leg. In the meantime, the commutative wreck plows into the side of a skyscraper. It appears to be on the brink of collapse now. You're going to need to think fast, especially considering that you just beat up four people and stole a police car and it's extremely likely that a bunch of people are going to be trying to capture or shoot you now.

A) Try to open the driver-side door (it's blocked by a wrecked car)
B) Try to open the passenger-side door (it's blocked by a wrecked mack truck)
C) Try to escape through the windshield (it's broken)
D) Try to escape through one of the back doors (they're blocked by the glass partition but it's broken)

[joe_042293]

You use your non-broken leg and kick the windscreen out of the car. It falls out quite easily and slides off the bonnet. You pull yourself through the window and roll off the edge of the car onto the ground, damaging your leg further. You writhe a little.

You examine your leg. It appears, actually, that it isn't broken, but rather just dislocated at the knee. You brace the leg against the police car and push into it, biting down on your arm. The leg pops back into place, but you bite a huge chunk out of your arm. You put it in your pocket and stand up.

The skyscraper is now tipping towards you, so you run sideways and let it collapse onto the street. Countless bystanders and people in other buildings are crushed to death. The car is gone, too.

A fire engine pulls up moments later, and several firemen pour out, readying the hose and ladder and whatnot. You hop into the driver's seat and reverse. The men still on the truck fall off. You spin the truck expertly 180 degrees, then drive forwards.

A) Drive home
B) Drive to hospital
C) Turn on the sirens
D) Help with some fires

[minmay]

You absolutely must get to the hospital! But first you turn on the sirens, because you've always wanted to drive a fire truck with the sirens on.

You come to a crossroads. The light is red, but you decide you can plow right through it because this is so important. There is a fish crossing the road, looking rather preoccupied; you notice that he is in fact holding a gun. You run over him because there's no way you're about to stop for a fish.

After a few blocks of exceeding the speed limit by copious amounts, you notice a large crowd. Its cause appears to be that the president has come to your hometown and is giving a speech. He pauses, as he's just noticed a fire truck roaring along at 80 MPH with the sirens on and fish guts splattered on the front of it.

You finally reach the hospital, and discover that fire trucks are incredibly difficult to park. It won't fit in any of the regular spaces, and the fire lane is already occupied by several trucks, perhaps because the hospital is on fire. THE HOSPITAL IS ON FIRE! OH GOD THE HOSPITAL IS ON FIRE! ALL OF THIS WILL BE FOR NOTHING IF YOU CAN'T GET INSIDE THE HOSPITAL! YOU HAVE TO PUT OUT THAT FIRE!

You leap out of the truck, which hurts a bit because your leg still has some soreness in it. You rush over to the hose, grab the nozzle end, and run over to the blaze.

It is at this point that you realize the other end needs to be plugged into a fire hydrant, and that you have no idea how to actually do that safely.

Several police cars are rolling into the parking lot. They must be coming to help with the fire - maybe the hospital can be saved after all! Some cops jump out of one of the cars and point their guns at you. "Freeze!"

"When hell freezes over!" You reach for your own gun, but just as you lay your fingers on it, they open fire. A bullet strikes your shoulder. Oh, God, the pain...for some reason, this feels oddly famaliar, despite that you've never been shot before. You pass out.

You wake up in a hospital, presumably not the one that was on fire. You are surrounded by police, as well as one nurse. Your shoulder doesn't hurt much anymore, although you can't help but feel a little uneasy about your situation.

A) Pretend to be clinically insane in the hopes of nullifying your charges
B) Ask the nurse for a laptop
C) Tell the police that you just saved the president
D) Ask the police if the hospital that was on fire is okay

[joe_042293]

"Excuse me, nurse," you begin. This startles everyone present, as you've been unconscious for some time.

"May I have a laptop?" you ask. He turns around.

"You may not."

"Rats."

You eye up the people around the bed. There is one cop on your right, one on your left, one at the foot of your bed. The nurse has walked away now. You are handcuffed to the bed with your right hand. You notice that your arm has been bandaged where you bit it.

You look down at the tray in front of you. Piping hot soup emits a rancid odour from a bowl. You hatch a plan, although you're like 80% sure it's pretty stupid.

You pick up the bowl of soup with your free arm. The cop at the foot of the bed implores, "Be careful with that soup."

"Maybe I'm too full..." you begin, "...of care. And soup."

The cop to your right asks, "What do--?" but you've already launched the soup towards him. It hits him square in the face. He drops to the floor and clutches his face. The cop at the foot of the bed begins reaching for his holster. You are quicker though, seeing as you're heavily sedated, and grab the sidearm of the man on your left. You shoot the cop in the thigh, and he drops to one knee. You finish him off with a headshot.

You point the gun at the remaining, unarmed cop. "Uncuff me," you order. He grabs the keys and releases you from the bed.

"You're not gonna get away with this!" he says as you swing your legs off the side of the bed.

"I'm already carried away," you reply.

"That doesn--" but he's already been shot in the temple.

You slide off the bed to your feet then immediately drop onto your face. It seems your leg has worsened somehow. As you fall, your face lands under the curtain separating your bed from the one next to you. An old man peers over the side of the bed disapprovingly. However, he's smart enough to keep his mouth shut. You spy a walking stick dangling from the foot of his bed. You reach forwards, grab it, and struggle to your feet. You don't quite know where you can hide the gun, so you dismantle it and put it in the old man's lap. He stares at it disapprovingly. Hell, maybe he isn't disapproving, maybe that's just his usual expression.

You hobble into the main wards, whisking the curtain away with a flick of your arm. The nurse from before approaches.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I was released. It was all a big misunderstanding."

"But you've still been shot!"

"Actually, I'm up to date on innoculations."

"Wh--" Broken spine.

You step over the nurse's corpse and into another hallway. There is a lift right here, which you enter. It indicates that you're on the sixth floor.

A: Go to the ground floor
B: Go to the roof
C: Climb up the emergency hatch
D: Exit the lift on this floor